Late night, the road was cold and empty. It was a long lonely ride home, heart was heavy. For the first time, I felt as if I don’t belong to the group I founded heartily.
That Friday night after a spirit-draining workday seemed to be a perfect time to breath relaxation with my inspirations. It felt like another memorable life experience is about to take place. From overnight stuffs to stories to tell, I was totally prepared for that night-out I initiated. Deep talks have been the only thing that energize me in this world full of shallow noise. It is my love language. But I wasn’t able to prepare enough for an emotional turbulence. I ended up on the other side of the extreme.
Staring at the city night lights, with happy conversations on the background, I evaluated how I felt — desperately searching for reasons to stay. Gushing down on a spiral of thoughts, I ended up on a question I can’t answer myself. Why would I stay if I’m not in my best version because of how I feel? What could I offer to a space where I can’t feel I am needed?
Having so much time to think alone while in a middle of the group reaffirms my feeling of being left out. I’ve been let go earlier than I even left. I was sure I needed to depart.
I seldom need understanding, but when I do, it’s everything I’ll ever need.
As someone who always bring sunshine to the lives of others, I’m comforted on the experience that somehow, someone reached out to lend their umbrellas on my rainy day. Very few but hits bigtime. It was a time I needed to reassess myself and the people around.
True enough, our greatest strength is also our worst weakness. 友
See? You can’t always receive the value you give to others. Simple logic like how you can’t always be loved back the way you loved. Our importance in this world is a matter of personal thing. You are only as valuable as you think you are. The moment you lose essence to yourself, you lose essence to the world you are in.
Because the thing is, no matter who you are and what you did, the world continues to revolve in your absence. People don’t stop breathing in your departure. Learn to find company with solitude. Learn to be comfortable in discomfort. Sometimes, the saddest lessons come in the middle of your happy days.
No matter how emotionally strong you are, once in a while you fall back to your weakest days that made you that strong. Emotional strength doesn’t mean not feeling weak and disturbed, but rather knowing what to do whenever you are haunted. Emotional maturity is not managing your emotions, but managing your reactions to those emotions. It’s doing your best to minimize effect to the people around, especially if they mean so much to you, regardless of how much they caused you sadness in that given time. You have to hold on to the thought of them playing a part in your best days. Who are we to invalidate one’s significance in our life based on how things have changed?
Above all, it was a night where I surrendered to my emotions and just get in touch with the awful old me. I went back to befriending the demon I’ve been [successfully] avoiding for years. I went back talking to no one but a piece of blank paper. I was frightened to have met again this abandoned shadow I long forgotten, but I was courageous enough to face it and observe the huge difference I have since I’ve grown to become better.
This is all part of the game of life. You don’t win if you don’t play.
That tragic night is now nothing but a lesson~
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